Comic of the Week

Musings #2

This months edition of things that make me wonder...


How does one reconcile that a twelve year old owns her body to the extent that she can obtain an abortion without her parent’s knowledge, but I have no say about the food I eat (no trans-fats) or whether I wear a seatbelt or not?

Why is everyone worried about Muslims being offended for receiving extra scrutiny at airports? Presumably they want to live, too; and if they don’t, haven’t we identified the problem at that point?

How do the proponents of Marxist philosophy do so with a straight face given that every time it has been tried it has been an utter failure? This wonderful ideology didn’t work in the Soviet Union despite consuming over 20 million lives while it was being fine-tuned to the inevitable dictatorship it became. Ignorance is one thing, but willful blindness is quite another.

When someone refers to “Religious Fundamentalists”, why don’t Buddhist Monks or the Amish spring to mind? Why is it considered impossible to be devout without being dangerous? Does anyone really fear the Jehovah’s Witnesses? Aren’t there Secular Fundamentalists, and aren’t they at least as extreme as those they seek to vilify?

Why does Hollywood rail against “Corporate Interests” when everyone in Hollywood is incorporated? If corporations are evil, why are actors, producers, agents, film companies, special effects companies and every other segment of the film industry incorporated?

Why do they ask you for your ethnicity and sex on a job application “for EEOC Purposes” while simultaneously claiming it makes no difference? If it makes no difference, why ask the question in the first place? If it makes no difference, why not ask people after they are hired? Then the answers couldn’t possibly effect the decision.

How does a physician, schooled in anatomy, reassemble the tissue removed from a woman during an abortion and then reconcile their Hippocratic oath to do no harm with the reassembly of what is obviously a dismembered human?

Why is America always compared to perfection by those that criticize her, and never to any real country? It’s like trying to live up to a widow’s idealized vision of her former mate. Where on earth is there an example of a comprehensive system that works better than the one we enjoy? Could those leveling such criticism withstand a similar barrage?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do the wonderful ideas touted by the elites always have to be coerced by the government (i.e. at gunpoint)?

Why do they swab your arm with alcohol prior to administering a lethal injection?

When you go to a donut shop, they pick up your donuts with a piece of wax paper so they don’t touch the donuts with their hands. So why do they put that tainted piece of waxed paper into the bag with your donuts?

Why are there Braille pads on drive-up ATM’s?

Good news is worthless; bad news is actionable. If you hear all is well, what do you do? If a customer complains the coffee isn’t hot, you check the coffee pot!

Why are the keys on phones different from the number pads on computers?

Wrestlemania 23 is now officially 10 days away. Glorious.

More Fun From Northampton #2

Those crazy folks in No-Ho are at it again...

In a love story only left wing lunatics could love, city councilors Raymond W. LaBarge and Marianne L. LaBarge are at each other's throats once again. Guess what it's about? Name calling.

Remember that thing I wrote about public officials acting like children the other day?

The bad blood between the two councilors boiled over recently after Raymond made a comment about Marianne's ethnic heritage on the radio. Marianne's brother telephoned Raymond from Georgia threatening to put him "in the grave." Raymond called the police.

The latest skirmish between the councilors began last Wednesday, when Raymond LaBarge appeared on the Bill Dwight Show. Dwight, a former city councilor, has a morning news and talk show on WHMP 1240 AM. LaBarge, the senior member of the council at 85, announced that he would run for re-election. He has represented Ward 7 for some 20 years

Oh yes, they're mad at each other because someone made fun of someone Else's nationality.

But oh, it's only to be topped by this stirring piece of statesmanship:

In that call, which LaBarge recorded and played for The Republican, Pappas can be heard telling LaBarge, "You don't ever want to see me because I'm a lot of trouble." He goes on to take issue with LaBarge speaking disrespectfully of his family and concludes, "I'll break your arms and legs. I'll put you in the grave. You're an idiot."

I truly can't wait until the baby boomers are gone.

A Column.

This is where the text for Friday's really funny column will go. It will be quite uproarious, and will not be a total and complete piece of crap. It will be as un-disappointing as text on a white background can possibly be. If Hillary Clinton were to read the text that will populate this column, she would laugh so hard that she'd stop talking like a southern twit.

But only for a second. Then she'd be a twit again.

This is where the second paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be very short but with a "big bang" sort of joke that requires its own paragraph to be properly funny and politically offensive to the 'other' side.

This is where the third paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be dirtier and more offensive than the first two paragraphs, with phrases like "pee f-----", "smooshy a-hole". It might also include a funny anecdote about how circumcised penises are metrosexual penises because they're clean and stylish. Once people read a few sentences into the third paragraph, they are likely to keep reading until the end of the column, even if they are offended by it. This is because they are stupid.

This is where the fourth paragraph for Friday's column will go. Here the author will get tired of writing awesome hilariousness, and will just put in a bunch of easy garbage jokes about celebrities and blah blah this and poopy boat that, ha ha isn't that great. And don't forget 'I'm so smart!"

This is where the fifth paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be disappointing as well, but not quite as crappy as the fourth paragraph.

This is where the sixth paragraph for Friday's column will go. Here the facetious and scintillatingly witty content will return because the author will have stopped for a while, recharged, maybe watched half of "Anchorman", and come back with fresh ideas that aren't crappy.

Welcome to the seventh paragraph! Like the second one, this paragraph is another add-on joke that requires its own paragraph. Everybody likes the add-on joke paragraphs, even jerks like you, reader.

This is the eighth paragraph, where the humorous anecdote starts wrapping up. While funny, this paragraph will also include just the right amount of seriousness and heartfelt confession, to get stupid people to like the author more. Dumb people love to feel sorry for others. This is partly because they're slow in the face, and partly because they're gullible, dopey, mutton-headed fart-bags who would get emotional over a dog food commercial if the dog were wearing an adorable hat.

Here's where the text for the ninth and final paragraph will go. This paragraph can include any selection of worthless filler and crap, just as long as it leads to a witty ending that brings the whole column around in a circle. I'm not sure why everyone expects political columns to wrap things up in a tidy little bow, but I'm not going to worry about it right now. I remind you one more time that I'm both smart and exceptionally witty before reminding you that our President is a real dirt bag, as if you didn't get that the first 9,000 times I said it in previous columns. Did I mention I'm really smart and witty?

Fun With Drunks

What the!? Why aren't there any statues for these books at the Doctor Seuss park in the Quadrangle?

Only in Northampton....

Would an event like this draw 300 people. For those of you who are curious, yes, this is front page news on masslive.com.

Helmets For Our State Legislators

If you didn't think things could be any more outrageous on Beacon Hill these days, you were wrong. Dead wrong. Just read this Story for proof.

This past week, Senator Steven Panagiatakos (guess which Party) has now filed legislation that would require kids to wear helmets while they go sledding. It's official: we've crossed the line of stupidity to outright insanity. Truth be told, the only people who should be wearing helmets are the folks on Beacon Hill that would support this kind of crap legislation.

First, it was fluffernutter sandwiches. Now it's helmets for sledding. I can't wait to see full body armor and gas masks for kids who want to play tag. I'd call the legislation "Pimp My Kid".

I stay up at night sometimes thinking about how our society became this incredibly far gone. I'd be clamoring for the baby-boomers to kick the bucket as soon as possible if it were not for my own generation being equally as idiotic. Rome is burning, folks.

Musings

Just because i'm devoid of things to write about...

-- There are a lot of people who feel that my calling them a 'liberal' is "Name-Calling". Last I checked, there aren't any negative connotations associated with the word 'liberal'. If it has ACQUIRED negative connotations, it's probably because of what liberals have done and what has happened afterwards.

-- If people couldn't be any more self absorbed than they already are today, how can one stake out their policy position (sounds so important doesn't it...) as being 'anti-war'. Unless you're a blood thirsty person who gets jollies from watching people die or a complete idiot, of course you're 'anti war'. The real debate is how we best limit and deter war, or in today's world, finish it. But then again, people who are busy talking about how 'anti-war' they are, are usually those who fail to take the responsibility of confronting the issue to begin with.

-- Despite having no snow this winter and the mass hysteria over global warming, our Earth's temperature still isn't as high as it was around 800 AD. Those darn serfs and their SUV's.

-- What church is Rev. Jesse Jackson a 'Reverend' in?

-- I'm confused. So most people who have to file their income taxes use someone else to prepare the forms and do the tabulation, etc. Then you're supposed to sign under 'penalty of perjury' that the forms are correct, right? But if we were fully competent to do that, wouldn't we NOT need someone else to do our taxes FOR us?

-- Many people say we should leave Iraq for a variety of reasons: It's a civil war, foreign dictatorships and genocide are bad, but we shouldn't be bothered, too many of our troops are dying... but then they call for action in Darfur for the same reasons the Iraq war is supposedly 'not justified'?

-- Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them on TV.

-- Historically speaking, we've always frowned upon those who lack judgement. Why is it all of a sudden so cool to be 'non-judgemental'? Not to mention how anything can be cool or good or, well, anything for that matter if you are, in fact, 'non-judgemental'.

-- Has there ever been a war we've fought in this country's history, or even World history, that operated under a 'timetable'?

-- If Sex Offenders are so dangerous that we need to write their names down and then post them up on the Internet for the rest of their lives, then why are we letting them out of jail?

-- Apparently teachers in Massachusetts are tired of 'teaching to the tests'. Some how, it has disabled them from being able to teach well. But what they deem as 'good teaching' is the exact reason why our students do so poorly when juxtapositioned next to international students. It would also likely explain the huge number of remedial (see 'wearing a helmet') courses that most colleges and universities carry because their students lack basic skills.

-- How can you be an 'insurgent' when you're fighting in someone Else's country? We're supposedly fighting waves of terrorists coming INTO the country right? So why do the media insist on calling what the terrorists are doing in Iraq and 'insurgency'?

-- Why do all 'non-conformists' dress the same?

-- There IS a right and wrong, there is an up and down, and people sure as hell aren't 'just different'. For example; "Every one's beautiful in their own way" completely strips the word beautiful of it's meaning doesn't it? If the world was all the color blue, there wouldn't be the word 'blue' in the language because it would be meaningless. It wouldn't distinguish one thing from another. Therefore there are Beautiful people, but, there are some pretty damn ugly ones If I don't say so myself.

-- Why is acting decent considered a violation of the first amendment so much these days?

-- In the little black book, the 'face book' of the Massachusetts Legislators, there are tree surgeons, legislators, lawyers and even plumbers listed as occupations and professions. However, not one single person claims to be a 'public servant'.