No-So-Lost in Translation

So I'm going to begin some fun-time Sunday Activites for all you fed heads out there. The Springfield Republican is one of the most unabashadly liberal publications not only among newspapers in the United States, but probably all media as well. In an attempt to bring some conservative balance to all of this, I'm going to be beginning this little weekly piece discussing the many fun headlines you may hope to read when you pick up a copy of your not-so-beloved Sunday "Republican". The following are today's headlines and what they really mean.

Front Page

Romney Lives Down Heritage (He's a Mormon. That's creepy. What's more creepy is that he's a Republican. By the way it didn't stop there as it's second headline in the REGION section of the paper stated that his family tree 'haunts' him. )

Page A2

Celebrating Teddy's 75th (Teddy, by virtue of having the same birthday as George Washington, is George Washington re-incarnate. Difference between the two is Washington kills limeys and cherry treets, not women.

Virginia Sorry for Slavery (Uh, I'd hope they would be by now, gotta keep the race-baiters happy with this kind of non-news I suppose)

Page A3

Bomb Kills 39 In Iraq Mosque (By the way the subtext read: Many people in the neightborhood work for the Iraqi Military of Police. 'Many People' was in bold. Anyways, we're still dying by the billions in Iraq and if we'd only just realize it and leave everything would be better!)

Iraq toll escapes most Americans (Americans are too dumb and not catching on the the obvious that Iraq is a total failure and leave)

Violence may delay handover (Just to remind us that the body count will continue to soar and we'll be in Iraq forever. Also, Terrorists rule.)

Page A4

Iran Proposes talk, not war (Iran aren't really that bad. Bush is, but Iran, nope)

Ex-Diplomat urges US pullout of Iraq (Just another person who 'gets it'. People that think we should be here are idiots and anyone who knows what they're talking about should want us to leave)

Kurds OK oil-revenue sharing (See, we told you it was all a war for oil!)

Cheney's Voice carries from far-off Asia ( bah, we can pretend for one story)

Abbas fails to get sanctions lifted (btw, there is a nice-sized picture of Abbas and Jaques Chirac shaking hands here while there's a really mean looking picture of Vice President Dick Cheney above. Regardless, the Republican is excited to tell you all about how France and Palestine are taking steps to create a wonderful new world.)

Page A7

Gaza strife breaks 2-week lull; 5 dead (if those damn jews weren't so mean..)

Switches on tracks examined (Richard Branson, ahem, I mean SIR Richard Branson, liberal celebrity, bites lip and saves the world when British trains come derailed. If people could only be as enlightened as our celebrities)

Page A8

College Sorority sends sisters packing (This happens every day. This is not news)

Page A9

Gay Rights bills heading for a vote (Quick! Call your congressmen and start screaming about hate crimes! C'mon, what're you waiting for!?!?!?)

Page A10

Italian Premier gets another shot (He's a liberal by the way. Everyone LOVES this guy. You should, too)

Page A11

Bush links tax code to health insurance (The President kids, is officially page 11 news)

Univision fined $24 million (que?)

Page 13
Governors warn of cuts in child health (Bush wants YOUR kids dead. Your governors are even telling you)

Page A16

Lawmakers In N.Y. push moratorium on n-word (More stories for race-baiters)


I'll try and track this every Sunday until the Republican decides to maintain a little bit more balance in their 'news' coverage. Until then, do the world a favor and stop dropping dollars on the Springfield Republican. It's really not worth it.