A Column.

This is where the text for Friday's really funny column will go. It will be quite uproarious, and will not be a total and complete piece of crap. It will be as un-disappointing as text on a white background can possibly be. If Hillary Clinton were to read the text that will populate this column, she would laugh so hard that she'd stop talking like a southern twit.

But only for a second. Then she'd be a twit again.

This is where the second paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be very short but with a "big bang" sort of joke that requires its own paragraph to be properly funny and politically offensive to the 'other' side.

This is where the third paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be dirtier and more offensive than the first two paragraphs, with phrases like "pee f-----", "smooshy a-hole". It might also include a funny anecdote about how circumcised penises are metrosexual penises because they're clean and stylish. Once people read a few sentences into the third paragraph, they are likely to keep reading until the end of the column, even if they are offended by it. This is because they are stupid.

This is where the fourth paragraph for Friday's column will go. Here the author will get tired of writing awesome hilariousness, and will just put in a bunch of easy garbage jokes about celebrities and blah blah this and poopy boat that, ha ha isn't that great. And don't forget 'I'm so smart!"

This is where the fifth paragraph for Friday's column will go. It will be disappointing as well, but not quite as crappy as the fourth paragraph.

This is where the sixth paragraph for Friday's column will go. Here the facetious and scintillatingly witty content will return because the author will have stopped for a while, recharged, maybe watched half of "Anchorman", and come back with fresh ideas that aren't crappy.

Welcome to the seventh paragraph! Like the second one, this paragraph is another add-on joke that requires its own paragraph. Everybody likes the add-on joke paragraphs, even jerks like you, reader.

This is the eighth paragraph, where the humorous anecdote starts wrapping up. While funny, this paragraph will also include just the right amount of seriousness and heartfelt confession, to get stupid people to like the author more. Dumb people love to feel sorry for others. This is partly because they're slow in the face, and partly because they're gullible, dopey, mutton-headed fart-bags who would get emotional over a dog food commercial if the dog were wearing an adorable hat.

Here's where the text for the ninth and final paragraph will go. This paragraph can include any selection of worthless filler and crap, just as long as it leads to a witty ending that brings the whole column around in a circle. I'm not sure why everyone expects political columns to wrap things up in a tidy little bow, but I'm not going to worry about it right now. I remind you one more time that I'm both smart and exceptionally witty before reminding you that our President is a real dirt bag, as if you didn't get that the first 9,000 times I said it in previous columns. Did I mention I'm really smart and witty?